So You Want to Be a Filmmaker

When I first started out in the film industry, I wrote an email to as many production companies as I could find, begging for the chance to get some kind of chance to gain experience. As the years have gone by, now I find myself receiving emails of a similar nature. "Breaking in" definitely isn't as easy as it was 20 years ago, but it can still be done.

I remember when I was about 14, and I had recently started playing the guitar. One day I picked up something akin to Salt Lake's "City Weekly", and found an article entitled "So You Want to Be a Rock Star". Intriguing... so I read on. I recall some very absurd suggestions such as, "grow your hair out", and "make sure you are the one playing guitar and singing - because this will make everyone want to be just like you". As I reflect back on it, I wonder what a ridiculous article like that would be like, if written about becoming a filmmaker. To my knowledge, one doesn't exist. But if it did, I think it might go something like this...

So... you want to be a filmmaker?

  • Step 1: Wear a funny hat

    A funny hat implies that a mysterious air of creativity surrounds your brain. So in following, it goes that the funnier the hat, the better. You could go for the "trucker" hat for that Spielberg 80's something on-the-set-of-Indiana-Jones look. That's pretty good, but it's a little overdone. Another idea is the wide brimmed hat, which offers protection from the sun, and from girls. But the best choice, really, is the beret. Worn by artists for centuries (probably), it is the ultimate declaration of creative thinkers. Tip: Try to avoid ones with a big ball on the top - instead, go for the single little "tuft" of, uh, whatever berets are made of.

  • Step 2: Grow a beard

    Shaving takes time. Creative people don't have time - they're too busy being creative! Shaving implies that you must not be dedicated to the craft of filmmaking because you're spending five minutes a day shaving, when you could be, say, reviewing your dailies or putting the finishing touches on your next Sundance script. The instant you stop shaving, people will start respecting you as an artist - and things will really pick up for you in the industry. Your tiny DV films will get picked up, your input on upcoming Hollywood films will be requested, and girls will still ignore you. So, win, win, win. Tip: Don't craft some extravagant beard design - go with the simple natural scruff you've been given.

  • Step 3: Spend, spend, spend

    Film producers have to be good at spending money. It's their job! So in order to gain "real-world" experience - you've gotta practice people! Find every spare scrap of change you can, and go out and buy the most expensive camera on the market. After all, filmmaking isn't as much about storytelling, as it is about impressing people on set. Likewise, cinematography isn't as much about lighting and composition as it is gathering gigantic amounts of pixels that will never see the light of screen. Now you're asking, "Ok, so which camera do I buy?" Well, in short, I've found that the longer, more non-sensical the model number, the better. For instance, the AG-HVX200 totally beats out the PMW-EX1. You get the idea. Tip: Don't worry about coming up with the cash before you start your film - you'll be selling the film to pay yourself back!

  • Step 4: Surround yourself with "yes" men

    Or women. (But if you're really into video cameras, non-linear editing, and the latest HD Codecs, this may not be a possibility.) "Yes" men are people who will do nothing but worship and idolize you and your work. As a filmmaker, your work is your art - so why would you let anyone criticize that? You don't want other, possibly more experienced (read: out of touch) filmmakers, telling you how to write correctly grammaticalized dialogue, light a scene "properly" or what critical focus means. What you really need - no - what your EGO really needs is a bunch of people telling you that your work is flawlessly awesome. This will give you the confidence boost you need to take your hard earned money, and contribute it to the retirement fund of a film festival organizer. Tip: "Yes" men are not always cheap - see Step 3.

    So maybe we should be glad that an article like this doesn't exist. It could really set a lot of people up for disappointment I think. Besides, I kinda like the job inquiry emails.

    Video Hack, a satirical column, is written by freelance producer/director Daniel Moench. He sports a traditional baseball cap, shaves regularly, promotes thrifty spending practices, and welcomes constructive criticism. He can be reached via his website, here